


make this minute last forever

by chasingjupiter



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Lee Jihoon | Woozi-centric, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, Set in LA, jihoon is a travel blogger!, objectively it's angst but there's rly quite a lot of fluff in here, rated teen for mentions of boners and some cursing and making out but it's not major
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 07:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18566320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingjupiter/pseuds/chasingjupiter
Summary: Jihoon returns to several exes: the ex-hometown he left behind five years ago, the ex-haunts he's determined to revisit, and the ex-boyfriend he never meant to leave.





	make this minute last forever

**Author's Note:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4EK2wRBluoMEYwV41kvF51)
> 
>  
> 
> \- title from and inspired by hayley kiyoko's "better than love"  
> \- hope you enjoy! <3

    The golden afternoon stretches across the clouds like honey, dripping its light on passerby roaming the cobblestone streets. 

Among the dawdling stream of tourists and inhabitants alike, Jihoon tightens his grip on his leather satchel, catching his bottom lip with his teeth as if he can restrain the overwhelming emotions tiding over his flight-fried mind.

This is the first time he’s been back to his hometown in southern California since he left five years ago. Five years: it’s not an exceedingly long time, and yet setting foot in the once-familiar pavement feels wrong, in a way. Wrong in the most right way – he’s foreign here, but he thinks it would be so easy to settle back into this place he’s longed for for so long.

His plane had landed last night. The thirteen-hour flight had been miserable – he’d been nervous, thinking about returning, so he couldn’t really sleep – and sleeping on his former best friend’s couch hadn’t exactly helped. He appreciated it, really, but the few lumpy cushions had done little to ease the nausea sitting low in his belly and the arrhythmic pounding in his temples.

Morning had arrived far too quickly, and with it an impromptu trip to a donut shop with Joshua. They had added the best maple donuts, Joshua had boasted, and the coffee was just as good as, if not better than, before. Jihoon had conceded easily, stomach pleading for something other than the frankly disgusting airplane options. Coffee and donuts sounded good, he had reasoned.

What he hadn’t considered was that returning to one of his old haunts would spark a day-long journey weaving through the town, revisiting the nooks and crannies he had missed. He had one week to stay in town, and then he’d be off to New York for a month. And then, well, who knew? Perhaps he’d get the sudden urge to see Shanghai or Nagoya or maybe even some obscure city in Europe. 

His job takes him all over the world. He’d spent the majority of those five years in Busan, teaching at some school and staying with distant family before moving into his own apartment, but the novelty of a new country and a new job had worn off with time, and he found himself in a slump. It might have continued like that – a monotonous cycle of dread Jihoon absolutely hated – if it weren’t for the camera he had bought on a whim. That particular camera isn’t with him anymore (he will forever curse the stranger who sat on it one day) but its impacts are. He’d started a travel blog as he traversed across South Korea during his breaks, and eventually he’d gained a sort of cult following, comprised of similar burn-outs with a passionate wanderlust.

Anyway. He’s here now, armed with his new camera and a desire to delve back into his past.

His first stop: the nice, building-lined plaza a few blocks away from where he is now. If he recalls correctly, there’s a fountain that had seemed massive when he was little. Each year he had thought the fountain was shrinking until one day he had taken a proper look at how much he'd grown. And, well, from there he hadn't done too much growing, so he's assuming the fountain is around the same size since he last saw it.

As he's approaching, he's taken by the way the sunlight dances with the fountain’s spray – it's still there, thankfully – so he whips out his camera to take a shot. 

A cursory glance around the plaza tells him not much has changed here other than the few cafés that have been replaced by convenience stores or various shops. There's a record store that looks promising; he makes a mental note to come back later when he's not in such a nostalgic mood.

The sun-baked bricks lining the fountain are slightly more worn down than before, as expected. The metal plate naming the fountain is slightly rusted at the edges and a few letters are less legible than the others. Jihoon takes a seat on the edge of the fountain, legs crossed at the ankles. If he closes his eyes, he can almost picture it, a picturesque scene tucked away in his memory.

 

**may 26, 2012**

 

“Let’s meet at the fountain, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung had said.

That was three hours ago, at the dismissal of school. Jihoon’s been waiting at the fountain for about an hour; Soonyoung, the fool, hadn’t mentioned a time, and he wasn’t checking his phone either. Knowing him, it was probably dead or shut down. 

His dance practice should have ended an hour ago, which is why Jihoon had gone so early, but Soonyoung hasn’t shown up. Maybe he forgot, Jihoon considers. Maybe it was a casual suggestion, one for the distant future, a plan he would forget about either way. Jihoon doesn’t mind waiting for Soonyoung, but he’s really not up to loitering around the fountain for years. Again, knowing Soonyoung, it would probably take him that long.

The swarm of fears gnawing at his gut dissipates as the boy he’s waiting for comes sprinting towards him.

“I’m so sorry, Jihoonie!” he wails, eyes squeezed shut in tearful apology. “I didn’t mean to be late, our practice ended really late and I had to take a shower and–”

“It’s alright,” Jihoon interrupts. He doesn’t really care if Soonyoung had really forgotten (okay, maybe he does, a little) so it doesn’t do any good to let Soonyoung ramble on. At Soonyoung’s doubtful expression, Jihoon shakes his head and laughs. “Really, Soonyoung, don’t worry about it.”

He pouts, then chimes, “If you say so, Jihoonie.”

“Yeah, I say so,” he assures him. “It’s really no big deal.”

“I still feel bad for making you wait, though,” Soonyoung says, despair pulling the corners of his lips down. 

Jihoon shrugs. “Nothing you could’ve done about it, I guess.” That’s true. He’s certain that if Soonyoung could have done anything to get word across to Jihoon, he would have. Soonyoung is just like that: all good intentions, some of which go awry. Everyone has to have a flaw, he supposes.

“I’ll treat you the next time we eat out, okay?” he suggests, perking up at his idea. “And don’t say no, it’s free food,” he urges.

“Okay,” Jihoon says, laughing again. He’s not sure why it’s so easy to laugh when Soonyoung’s around. It’s probably because their friendship has endured so long – they’re good friends, maybe even best friends, and they know all the insignificant details about each other that always turn out to be the most significant ones. 

Soonyoung lets out an audible sigh of relief and plops down beside Jihoon on the fountain.

“So why’d you want to meet, again?” Jihoon asks.

“Oh– I, um,” Soonyoung fumbles for his words and pauses, dipping his head down to recompose himself. “Whew, words. I forgot, sorry. Can we just hang out?”

“Sure,” Jihoon says easily. It’s been awhile since they last met one-on-one like this, what with school and stress for the upcoming exams. It’s nice to just talk to Soonyoung. Even with his forgetful tendencies and sometimes too-boisterous personality, there are some things that Jihoon feels safe sharing with Soonyoung that he doesn’t with others. He supposes, again, it’s the effect of their long-enduring friendship.

“How was your quiz?” Soonyoung asks suddenly.

Jihoon groans and shakes his head, adapting to the subject change quickly. “Awful. I asked some people and we all got different answers on the first question.”

He chuckles awkwardly. “Really…? I didn’t think…”

“Yeah, yeah, we all know you’re a genius, Soonyoung.” bemoans Jihoon. “I struggle in science, okay?”

“If you need, I can help you out?” His voice mounts in pitch as he ends the sentence, scratching the back of his neck.

“I might have to take you up on that offer,” he says. “I’ll let you know when I need the help of the only person in our year who understands the material.”

Soonyoung snorts. “You would understand it if you actually studied,” he accuses. 

“Hey,” Jihoon says. “I’ll have you know I am using my valuable time doing better things.”

“Like noodling on a guitar,” Soonyoung contributes.

“Like noodling on a guitar,” Jihoon agrees.

They look at each other for a few moments before both laughing.

“Ridiculous,” Jihoon wheezes. “We’re ridiculous.”

“Perhaps,” says Soonyoung.

 

\--

 

    Jihoon glances at his left wrist to check the time. It’s already twelve, so he stands up with a weary sigh that’s become habit since he turned twenty.

Twenty – he’s already two decades (and some) old, he thinks wonderingly. It’s not that he hasn’t thought of it before – in fact, it’s flashed across his mind many times – but while he’s here, standing in the middle of the town he grew up in, everything feels so much more real, and yet something like a dream.

Two decades on this oh-so-special Earth of theirs. He’d treasured it, once, a long time ago, but as time slipped through his fingers, so did his naive view of the world. Now he’s a little more optimistic, but certainly not the same wide-eyed, constantly daydreaming weakling he’d been back then.

(There’s a part of him retorting that he  _ misses  _ his old weakling self, misses the way childhood bravado still coursed through his veins, misses the way he believed the world was all his to conquer. He tries to shove the thoughts away, knowing it will return to slap him in the face when he’s least expecting it.)

He shakes his head suddenly as if he can shake mind out of the funk it had settled in. The sun is kind of above him, now, and the steady pour of its rays thrums with judgement. Jihoon hurries away and pretends he didn’t almost trip on that one protruding stone that he’s always tripped on. This time, though, he’s just barely avoided collapsing on the ground, so he can tell himself he’s not the same clumsy kid he was back then.

 

Jihoon grabs a sandwich in some convenience store he stumbled into, darting out as quickly as he’d entered, plastic-wrapped trophy in hand. Another glance at his watch tells him its quarter past noon; not bad for only recognizing a solid half of his surroundings. Everything is vaguely familiar in the way he might be vaguely familiar with a name mentioned in passing.

He’s about to ask someone where he is – his pride had kept him from inquiring earlier – when he sees a more-than-vaguely familiar shop across the street. Closing his mouth awkwardly and swiveling on his heels, he impatiently waits for the “walk” symbol to flash before striding across the crosswalk with an air of business.

Jihoon only recognizes the door handle now reads “pull”  _ after  _ he tries to smack the doors open with his palms. He used to do that, with Soonyoung, blaze into the ice cream shop and press their noses to the glass display. He thinks if he tried to do that he’d garner some strange looks from the family huddled by the window.

The only person behind the counter is a teenager going through a bad case of acne and an equally bad dye job. As pitiful as the sight is, it floods Jihoon with fondness. He, too, had dyed his hair a rather astounding shade of red. He, too, had forgone the acne medication in favor of slapping on an arbitrary face mask with Soonyoung.  _ Bad choices _ , he thinks wryly.  _ But good times. _

“I’ll have a scoop of vanilla,” he tells the teen. He wonders if the teen had really just wrinkled his nose at him or if it was merely a trick of the light. He’s not really sure which one he’d prefer.

He forks over a few bills and accepts the cone with a nod of his head, retreating to a corner opposite from the family scowling at each other by the window.

 

**november 22, 2012**

 

    “You’re always so boring, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung tells him when they slide into a booth. “Vanilla is, like, the most boring flavor there’s ever been.”

“Shut up,” Jihoon says. “At least I didn’t get Earl fucking Grey from the shop with the worst specialty flavors. It tastes like fucking herb milk.”

Jihoon’s turning sixteen, which means his vocabulary has never been as colorful as it is now. Speckled within sentences are the fun words, the ones they had been introduced to through older siblings and mutual friends and their limited usage of the Internet. Somehow, even while Internet isn’t the only limited item of that list for Jihoon, he’s developed the most colorful vocabulary.

When Soonyoung tells him that Jihoon curses more than anyone else he knows, even more than the grandpa in the apartment next to his, Jihoon silences him – or tries to – with a very self-assured “Fuck you.”

(“Watch your fucking language,” Soonyoung always replies.)

Jihoon takes a long, vengeful lick of his vanilla cone. He tries to communicate as best as he can while lapping absurdly at the already melting ice cream. Soonyoung doesn’t seem to get the obvious message of “Fuck you.”

Instead, Soonyoung’s ears are tinted red at the tips. It’s really obvious, almost as obvious as Jihoon’s implied message, so he takes one last lick of the ice cream and pipes up, “Why are you blushing?”

“I’m not,” he immediately denies. “I can’t blush. I, uh, I don’t have blood.”

Normally Jihoon would laugh at this, but this time he concedes to the inexplicable urge to pinch Soonyoung’s flushed ear. He grasps it as the tip and tweaks it gently, grinning. “You totally are, you liar. Also, this is going to be news to you: You have blood.”

“Even if I had blood – which I don’t – I wouldn’t be blushing. There’s nothing to blush about.”

Soonyoung’s always like this. He gets caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing and panics, making up the most elaborate tales. It would be funny in this situation but Jihoon can’t seem to find the will to laugh in his face.

“There’s nothing to blush about, huh?” Jihoon resumes swiping at the ice cream with his tongue with renewed vigor, exaggerating the strokes as much as possible. It’s really obnoxious; of course it is, anything Jihoon does at this age is obnoxious and he knows it. “Well, if there’s nothing to blush about, let me eat my ice cream in peace.”

Soonyoung’s ears turn even brighter red and he looks away. “You’re defiling your precious vanilla, idiot,” he grouses. “You’re disgusting.”

Jihoon snorts. “Yeah, I’m disgusting,” he says, staring at Soonyoung pointedly. “C’mon, what’re you thinking of? In this family-friendly establishment?”

“Nothing!” he yelps. “Nothing at all!”

If this were in the safety of Jihoon’s bedroom, he would try to humiliate Soonyoung further by making eye contact with Soonyoung Junior, but in this case 1) they’re in public and 2) Jihoon doesn’t know if he’d be able to look at Soonyoung’s boner without blushing himself. And he doesn’t want to lose the upper hand here. So he lets it go.

Well, only kinda. This is Soonyoung and Jihoon here: ruthless best friends. So he remarks casually, “You’re a big fat liar, Kwon Soonyoung. Not only do you have blood, you have quite a lot of it. Enough to go in both directions!”

Soonyoung chokes, almost spews Earl Grey on the table. “Can you – Have you ever considered, I don’t know,  _ not opening your mouth _ ?” he hisses, reaching for a napkin.

Jihoon hands one to him (he knew the brat would need one from the moment they breezed in) and shrugs. “I dunno, it seemed like you were enjoying seeing my mouth open.”

He murmurs his thanks upon receiving the napkin but glares at Jihoon. “I hate you,” he says with no malice in his voice.

“I hate you too,” Jihoon says easily. “Be my boyfriend?”

Soonyoung actually spews Earl Grey this time, but into the safety of the napkin. “What the fuck?”

“I said,” Jihoon repeats. “I hate you too. Be my boyfriend?”

“Holy shit,” he gapes. “Is this a joke? Do you have a hidden camera somewhere? Isn’t the hidden camera thing supposed to be the other way around, since it’s your birthday?”

Jihoon sits back and sighs, exasperated but fond. “It’s not a joke,” he tells him. “I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I have recently come to the conclusion that I have a fucking crush on you. Be my boyfriend?”

His mouth continues to hang open (gross) until Soonyoung seems to finally wrap his head around the idea that maybe Jihoon is being genuine for once. “This isn’t a joke?” He leans forward, hands on the table and voice low but urgent. “You actually like me? You want to be boyfriends?”

“Yes,” Jihoon affirms. “Now hurry up and either say yes or reject me. Saying yes is preferable.”

“I-I’ll go with the preferable option,” Soonyoung stammers. “Wow. What the fuck. Why now, of all times?”

Jihoon lets out a long, drawn-out sigh to stall. “This is really embarrassing but I wasn’t going to ask you until you started blushing and I thought maybe you liked me back. And then from there it just kinda escalated.”

“That’s cute,” Soonyoung coos. He reaches for Jihoon’s hand and pouts when he snatches it back on instinct. “Hey, you’re my boyfriend now, you have to let me hold your hand.”

“That’s not how it works,” Jihoon frowns but allows Soonyoung to take his hand this time. It’s nice to slip his fingers between his  _ boyfriend’s  _ and smile up at him.

“You’re cu–” Soonyoung tries.

“Shut the fuck up,” he says. “You’re on thin fucking ice, boyfriend.”

 

\--

 

    Jihoon shoves the tip of the cone into his mouth and halfheartedly wipes his hands with a napkin. Crumpling up and discarding it, he slings his bag over his shoulder and leaves the building, nearly pulling open the door before registering the “pull” sign. With a huff, he pushes his way out and surveys the bordering buildings.

The wide river is just within view when he gazes across the roofs. He tromps over to the banks, ignoring the scandalized looks passerby shoot him when he cuts through between two buildings. He searches for a nice grassy spot far away enough from other people and promptly sits down, folding his legs underneath him.

There’s a light breeze ruffling his hair as he gazes across the river, admiring the new bridge they’d constructed. It spans the width nicely and has a pretty skeleton, but it also makes Jihoon feel old. In the time he’d been away, the city has flourished into a well-populated hub of business. When he’d lived here, everyone knew everyone – the families had get-togethers every so often and the kids all tore apart the city in their respective groups.

He and Soonyoung had torn the city apart, just the two of them.

Flocks of families trail along the riverbanks and his attention is drawn to a pair of teenagers peering over the water and giggling. He watches intently – not in a creepy way! – as they smile at each other and link arms, moving up the grass to set down a blanket. 

He looks away.

 

**december 14, 2012**

 

    Jihoon pulls his knees in as he sits down on the still-damp grass, pouting. He makes a noise of dismissal when Soonyoung cranes his neck to peck his pout away.

“Ah, you’re so cute, Jihoonie.” he coos, reaching for Jihoon’s hand. “Stop pouting, we can celebrate if you want, babe.”

“Hmph. Nevermind. If I had known you were going to laugh at me I wouldn’t have brought it up.” Jihoon sniffs.

It’s their twenty-second day of dating, and Jihoon and Soonyoung are sitting by the river, the former sulking. Soonyoung had laughed when Jihoon suggested they celebrate their twenty-second day of dating, and thus he had become a whiny baby.

“I only laughed because I didn’t understand why,” Soonyoung explains earnestly. “Why today of all days?”

Jihoon lets out a short sigh. “My mom said that when she and Dad were dating in Korea they celebrated the twenty-second day, along with the hundredth day and two-hundredth and so on. It’s a thing the teenagers do, so I thought we could do it too. Since we’re Korean, and everything.”

“I’ve never heard of that,” Soonyoung admits. He scratches the back of his neck briefly before announcing, “Okay, let’s do it! We’re going on a date today to celebrate twenty-two days of true love!” 

“True love,” Jihoon scoffs, but he looks up with Soonyoung with renewed hope in his eyes and presses his lips to his boyfriend’s chastely. His cheeks are light pink and despite his scathing tone he looks the part.

“So where shall we go today? The art museum? We haven’t gone there yet.”

He hits his shoulder lightly. “They’re renovating, remember?”

“Oh!” Soonyoung lights up and takes both of Jihoon’s hands, perking up immediately. “I have a super romantic idea. Let’s go back to my house and we can prepare a picnic and come back here to eat it.”

“Soonie, it’s already four. It’ll be dark by the time we finish up.”

Soonyoung dismisses his objection without hesitation. “Even better! There’s nothing like a romantic candlelit picnic dinner.”

Jihoon gives in – he really wants to do this, despite his doubts – and they hurry back to Soonyoung’s house to make sandwiches.

 

Soonyoung’s mother ends up vetoing the candles, citing their carelessness and the likelihood they’ll set the neighborhood on fire, but she agrees to help them save time by preparing the side dishes.

When the impromptu romantic dinner is packed neatly into a lunch box cooler, Soonyoung gives his mother a kiss on the cheek and scrambles back to the river with Jihoon in tow. The fairy lights are flung around his neck like a scarf, illuminating the rapidly darkening evening. They flutter as the couple races to the riverbanks.

The blanket bundled in Jihoon’s arms is carefully spread on the grass and Jihoon unwinds the string of lights from Soonyoung, giving him a kiss as he does so. He lines the blanket with the lights and kneels down to help Soonyoung unpack their hastily prepared dinner.

When they’re finally settled down on the blanket, Jihoon curled into Soonyoung’s side to “save space,” they beam at each other and their handiwork, faces glowing with the warm incandescence of the fairy lights and with the radiance of young love. The tiny pinpricks of light do, in fact, make the dinner more romantic; the evening embraces them with its velvety darkness, the light enveloping them in a blissful bubble.

“I love you,” Soonyoung blurts out. “I know it’s only been twenty-two days but it’s been the best twenty-two days of my miserable life. I love you so, so much, Jihoon. I feel like I’ll never be able to love anyone other than you.”

Jihoon cups Soonyoung’s cheeks and kisses him softly, smiling in unadulterated joy. “I love you too, Soonyoung. I love you more than the universe. I’d give you the universe if you asked for it.”

Soonyoung gasps in mock surprise. “But you are my universe, Jihoonie. I have everything I’ll ever need right here in my arms.”

“God, you’re perfect,” Jihoon mutters, slinging his arms around Soonyoung’s neck and kissing him more purposefully this time.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung laughs, pulling away. “C’mon, we spent all that time making dinner and you’re just going to kiss me into oblivion and ignore the delicious sandwiches.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Jihoon mumbles. He scoots forward to chase his lips in vain.

Soonyoung laughs again and presses the corner of a sandwich to Jihoon’s mouth, making him nibble at the bread before giving him a tiny peck. “Here, eat your damn sandwich.”

He yields and bites off the corner, nudging the other side at Soonyoung’s mouth. Soonyoung opens his mouth and bites off the other corner, making the pair look at each other and giggle.

“We’re so gross,” Jihoon remarks, continuing to attack the sandwich with little bites.

“The grossest,” Soonyoung agrees, but leans forward to kiss him anyway.

 

That night, they get back home late, hair mussed and eyes sparkling. Soonyoung bids him good night with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to drop by the next day. Jihoon smiles shyly and waves from the window as Soonyoung heads back home.

 

\--

 

    Jihoon swipes at his eyes as subtly as possible before standing up, gathering his things. The other families pay him no attention as he sniffs quietly once and walks away briskly.

His next destination is the farmers market a fifteen-minute walk away. He only recalls certain parts of the market: the colorful, tattered overhangings shielding the vegetables from sun, the dizzying twirl of windchimes, the myriad of plant vendors advertising their multitudes of succulents and cacti.

And, of course, the frequent trips he had made with Soonyoung.

God, Soonyoung. It’s been so long since they last saw each other or even messaged each other. The communication had dropped off a mere six months after Jihoon had moved. It wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault; it wasn’t even Jihoon’s fault, really. He doesn’t really know how it happened or why, but the time difference and massive, gaping distance despite video chatting everyday had wedged between them.

And from there it had only swelled monstrously until Jihoon wasn’t even sure if Soonyoung loved him the same. Had their passionate romance been a result of the forced proximity? Was it possible that they weren’t meant to be? Could it be that – and this part scares Jihoon more than he’d care to admit – their love wasn’t as true and everlasting as they had promised each other? Would they never be able to meet each other’s eyes again?

Jihoon shakes his head, running a frustrated hand through his hair. He sighs. What even is love, anyway?

“You’re being stupid,” he tells himself, focusing on the monotonous cycle of spit-littered cement and the rhythmic thumps of his sneakers hitting the pavement.

The fifteen-minute walk passes in a blink – he’s surprised by the sight of the market already appearing and takes a tentative glance at his phone to consult Google Maps. It seems he’d been too lost in his thoughts to have noticed his fast pace.

He slows as he delves into the labyrinth of stalls, taking his time to watch people grill meat behind glass and children flock around the ice cream stand. He swallows.

There’s a kind of dusty smoke drifting through the air, not the suffocating kind, just a dense fog that sends his mind to another realm far away from the crushing swarms of people. It’s busier here than he’d imagined. Five years has turned his old haunts into centers of commercialization. He should be happy, right? His favorite places are doing better than ever. He’s happy for the aunties who scolded Soonyoung and him for ramming into doors and for the old man manning the jewelry shop.

Oh. Right.

He changes directions abruptly, dipping his head in apology to the people who make sounds of annoyance. If he remembers correctly, it should be just around the corner…

To his surprise, it’s still there. It looks almost the same as before; the display cases are clean but not exactly shining, and they’re matted with a beige fabric. He peers inside in search of the old man who owns the tiny shop, but is met with a young boy perched on the stool. The boy smiles at him – Jihoon tells himself to smile, but he can feel the disappointment sink in his chest, and it probably turns out a little convoluted, by the confused look on the boy’s face.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

Jihoon bites his lip awkwardly. “I’m looking for the owner?”

“Dad’s not here today, if you have jewelry-related issues I can help you?” he offers.

“That man was your dad?” Jihoon asks. “The one with the long beard?”

He’s not sure how else to say “old man.” There isn’t much he remembers about the man, just the smile lines by his eyes and his watery blue eyes.

“Oh,” the boy says. “That’s Grandpa. He, uh, he’s in the hospital. And, uh, I wouldn’t pay a visit, if I were you. He doesn’t remember many people – basically nobody.”

Jihoon looks down. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I used to come here a lot, a few years back. He was a really good person.”

“Thanks,” the boy replies, voice light with false nonchalance. “So do you need anything?”

“Uh, no, that’s it.” He winces. Maybe it was a bad idea, coming here.

“Have a nice day,” the boy tells him. Jihoon takes one last look at the display and leaves with a tiny wave.

 

**march 2, 2013**

 

    Soonyoung swings the canvas tote along as he walks. It’s filled with various groceries his mother had requested he buy. Jihoon has one as well.

Their free hands are loosely intertwined and Soonyoung smiles nervously at Jihoon as they round a corner. Jihoon’s about to ask Soonyoung he looks so nervous when he suddenly stops in front of an unfamiliar stall.

Well, it’s unfamiliar for the most part. Having been to this market so many times, it’s hard to find a part that Jihoon doesn’t know. It’s just that he’s never bought anything here – the jewelry is lovely but costly (for broke teenagers like him, at least), and Jihoon hasn’t really had a reason to purchase anything of this merit yet.

It seems that Soonyoung has, though. It surprises him because he’d thought Soonyoung only came to the market with him, like he did, but apparently not. He wonders where he found the time to visit places without him when they spend almost every hour by each other’s side.

Soonyoung greets the vendor with a warm but jittery smile. The old man nods in return and swivels around to search for something behind the counter.

“You wanna buy something from here?” Jihoon asks Soonyoung quietly.

His boyfriend nods. “Hold on,” he tells him. “You’ll see.”

Jihoon watches the old man rummage with timid curiosity. He lets his eyes wander on the rows of pristine silver and gold metalwork settled on a silky-looking cloth. 

“Ah, here it is,” the man proclaims dramatically. “She’s a beauty.” He makes his way back to the front and hands a small pouch to Soonyoung, eyes on Jihoon, making deliberate eye contact. “Enjoy,” he says mystically.

He smiles politely and lets Soonyoung drag him out to the relatively empty sidewalk. Soonyoung sits down on a bench and gestures for Jihoon to follow suit.

“What’s this about?” Jihoon asks, curiosity winning out.

Soonyoung laughs weakly and takes a deep breath. “So…” he begins. “It’s been a hundred days since we started dating…”

Jihoon thinks he knows where this is going. His heart does a few spontaneous jumping jacks.

“And I know you know how much you mean to me, so I came here a few days ago…” he continues. 

He’s sitting to face Jihoon, now, and Jihoon can see dim apprehension in his eyes. He takes Soonyoung’s hand and squeezes it for reassurance.

“Thanks,” Soonyoung laughs again with more substance this time. “Sorry, I’m a mess, I’m so nervous. I don’t want to screw it up.”

“You won’t,” Jihoon tells him gently. “Just go on, I’m listening.”

“Right. So it’s a hundred days already.” he repeats. “And I bought this from that guy – he’s really nice, he let me customize it and everything, I hope you like it.” He slips a petite box out of the velvety pouch and opens it slowly to reveal its cryptic contents to Jihoon.

Jihoon covers his mouth with his hands. Nestled inside the box are two matching rings – slim silver bands with microscopic script on the inside. He looks up at Soonyoung, eyes getting blurry, and makes a sound not too different from a wail.

“You didn’t,” he squeaks, despite it being very obvious that he did. “I can’t believe you, Soon. It’s so beautiful, what the fuck?”

“Not as beautiful as you,” Soonyoung says dutifully. He cracks the box open a little more and slips out one of them. “You can read this, right? Is it too small?”

Jihoon examines the inscription carefully. “It says – it says – I can’t do this, I’m going to cry.” 

“That’s not what it says,” Soonyoung teases. “C’mon, try again.”

“ _ I love you, my star, _ ” he reads, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. “Soonyoung, oh my God. I love you so much.” He chokes up a little and rereads it. Upon second inspection, there’s a tiny star carved beside the words.

Soonyoung smiles, also tearing up. “The other says  _ I love you, my universe, _ ” he tells Jihoon, showing him the matching band. “This one’s mine, ‘cause you’re my universe and I’m your star.”

Jihoon makes an embarrassing whine and carefully sets the box down with both rings inside before lunging for Soonyoung. He buries his face in Soonyoung’s neck, fingers clenching his shirt tightly. “I love you, my star,” he whispers.

“And I love you, my universe,” he replies sweetly, kissing the top of his head.

 

They stay like that for awhile, bodies pressed up against each other and breathing out proclamations of love – not the fancy, dramatic kind, but the quiet mumbles and delicate kisses. It takes them a moment before they remember the rings. 

Soonyoung slips the ring on Jihoon’s finger with devastating care, and Jihoon swears in that moment that he will never be able to forget the pure love in his gaze.

 

\--

 

    It’s kind of embarrassing to burst into tears while shopping for your weekly fresh fruit, so Jihoon hurriedly pays for the carton of assorted berries and flees. He pops a handful of huckleberries in his mouth and wipes his eyes with his sleeve, walking aimlessly to wherever his feet take him.

It turns out they take him to a small parking lot with only a few cars. He plops himself down on a concrete parking stop and eats his berries mournfully. Looking up at the building he’s cowering behind, his mouth goes dry at the intricate mural painted on the gray bricks.

It’s truly a sight for sore eyes – the exterior of the building is covered in sprays of feather-like petals and gnarled, interwoven roots. Flares of vivid blue and purple hues erupt with the contorted blossoms, transforming a mundane brick canvas into a celebration of nature.

Jihoon knows where he is.

He used to come here often, pay a quick once-over to the mural on his way through the back door. It was an almost daily routine; back then he had felt the mural to be like an ever-constant, unchanging friend. Now it feels like the looming artwork is frowning at him.

“What?” he mutters, scooping up berries with his juice-stained fingers and shoveling them into his mouth. 

The mural doesn’t respond, as expected, but merely intensifies its glare.

He shakes his head – he’s going insane – and wonders if it’s a bad idea to hit his head on the concrete. He’s so  _ tired.  _ If he had known this morning that it would be a vicious cycle of regret and rumination, he wouldn’t have set off on his journey.

He’s gotten absolutely nothing out of this. He had thought maybe revisiting his hometown would bring some sort of closure or bring him inner peace or some other cheesy resolution, but all he’s left with is a sense of longing for something he can’t have again and a bitter self-hatred nurtured through all these years.

He bites down sharply on the unfortunate berry poised on his tongue. It gives him an acute satisfaction to feel it crumple under his teeth and collapse into a sweet puddle.

The berry, regrettably, does little to mask the bitterness lingering in his mouth. He wishes he were here for a different reason instead of moping in the parking lot, eating a carton of unwashed berries in misery.

 

**december 7, 2014**

 

    Jihoon walks as slowly as possible on the way to Soonyoung’s dance studio, as if he can delay the pain he know is coming.

He passes by the mural and gives it a weak smile. He feels worse than before. Is it too late to go home?

He reminds himself Soonyoung is waiting for him and heads for the door with a resigned sigh. He might as well get it over with sooner than later. Right?

The journey up the stairs feels more exhausting than usual, and he pauses at the top, glancing down with cold eyes. This is the last time he’ll be able to go up those damned stairs. He might not miss the soreness they bring, but he’ll definitely be missing something else in this building.

Each door he walks past counts down to certain anguish. Door sixteen is more menacing than door fifteen, which is more menacing than door fourteen, and so on. Door seventeen is the worst of all: he can see Soonyoung sweating away through the small rectangular window. It sends a little thrill through his chest before he feels his heart drop to his feet.

Soonyoung catches his eye and beams at him, pausing the music and opening the door. He plants a sloppy kiss on Jihoon’s cheek and ushers him in, apologizing profusely for the sweat coating him and the mirrors.

“Hey, babe,” Soonyoung grins. “Wanna see my new choreo? I think I finally figured out that one part I’ve been complaining about.”

“Sure,” Jihoon says meekly. He should have said no, told Soonyoung that he wanted to talk about something important. But it’s so hard to say those simple words; it’s so hard to extinguish the light Soonyoung holds in his eyes. He doesn’t know if he can do this.

Soonyoung darts over to his phone and presses play, jumping into position and donning the fierce appearance he saves for performances. The choreography is wildly beautiful, as always. It’s reminiscent of flames flickering and distorted shadows. And it suits Soonyoung so, so much.

Jihoon claps loudly when the music cuts out and Soonyoung falls into his finishing pose. It’s almost scary how different he looks, eyes trained on the mirror, until he jumps up and smiles at Jihoon.

“So what’d you think?”

“It’s amazing, Soonyoung,” he tells him honestly. “Probably one of your best. I liked the claw part.”

Soonyoung’s eyes crinkle into happy crescents. “Thanks!”

Jihoon opens his mouth and braces himself for probably the worst conversation of his entire life. “So, uh… Soonyoung, I had something I wanted to talk about…”

“Shoot,” Soonyoung says breezily, grabbing his water bottle and drinking before sitting cross-legged in front of Jihoon.

“My mom told me I’m moving in a few days,” he croaks, wanting desperately to look away and yet feeling unable to draw his eyes away from Soonyoung’s warm gaze. 

“Oh. To where?”

It takes him a choked breath to answer. “South Korea,” he whispers.

Expecting to be greeted with questions or concern, Jihoon blinks when he is met by silence. Soonyoung looks like he’s in shock. His eyes are wide and open and his lips are parted in a little gasp.

“South Korea?” he repeats in disbelief. “Like… on the other side of the world South Korea?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon affirms. “And I won’t be coming back. For at least awhile.”

Soonyoung falls forward into Jihoon’s awaiting arms, lips quavering. “You’re not coming back?” he asks in a tiny, high-pitched voice. “I can’t see you?”

Jihoon feels his eyes dampen. “I’m sorry,” he says hoarsely, hands automatically finding their way to Soonyoung’s nape and combing through his sweat-saturated hair. “If I could find a way to stay…”

“I know you would,” Soonyoung says, but he sobs a little into Jihoon’s shirt and Jihoon feels his heart crack. “Jihoon…” he cries. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

Jihoon shushes him as gently as he can. “Also… I think we should break up.”

It’s like he’s pulled a switch: Soonyoung straightens and looks at him with tear-stained cheeks and betrayal brewing in his eyes, his laments halting in its tracks.

“Why, Jihoon?”

His voice is distraught. It’s wrecked, and he sniffs wetly, not even bothering to wipe away his tears while they keep coming. Above all, his voice is dripping in hurt. Jihoon bites the inside of his cheek to keep from apologizing and taking it all back, just so Soonyoung won’t look at him like that.

“My uncle… he wants me over there, for family stuff. And my parents are separating and the entire family’s in Korea, and I just… I don’t have a choice, Soonyoung.” He reaches for Soonyoung’s hands to assure him that  _ of course  _ he hates this just as much as him, but Soonyoung tugs them back.

At Jihoon’s pained look, Soonyoung pleads, “I know you don’t have a say in leaving, but why do we have to break up? Why do you have to leave  _ me?  _ We don’t have to break up… we can do long-distance, I love you so much, Jihoon.”

“I c-can’t,” Jihoon says quietly. “I mean, long-distance never really works out… Think of how much it would hurt, not being able to touch each other or kiss or anything for years… And you deserve better than a boyfriend across the world.”

“You think long-distance would hurt more than breaking up?” Soonyoung asks incredulously. His voice cracks when he adds, “Jihoon, you’re not just breaking up with me, you’re breaking my fucking heart. You think I would prefer not having you at all over having you at least with me in spirit?”

“Soonyoung, please,” he begs. “I’m sorry, but this is for the best… We can still talk and stuff, but having a boyfriend you can never see in person… That’s fucking torture, Soonie, I can’t do that to you.”

“And this isn’t fucking torture?” he bawls, bursting into tears again. “Jihoon, please… You can do anything, we could fight and argue and I wouldn’t love you any less. Isn’t that all we ever asked of each other? How could breaking up be better than  _ trying _ ?”

Jihoon feels cold grip his heart as he stands up, shrugging off Soonyoung’s pitiful attempts to cling to him. “I just can’t,” he says with finality. “We can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, Soonyoung.”

With that, he pushes his way out of the room, out of the building, out of the best era of his life.

 

\--

 

    “Lee Jihoon? Is that you?”

Jihoon lifts his head from between his knees and chokes on a berry.

“It’s really you, Jihoon? Am I dreaming?”

His already wet eyes fill with tears and he falls forward onto Soonyoung’s sneaker-clad feet. “Soonyoung,” he weeps, curling around his ex-boyfriend’s ankles. “Soonyoung, I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Soonyoung says, carefully untangling Jihoon and helping him to his feet. “Wow, you look a mess. What’s going on? You’re back?”

_ I look a mess because I’ve subjected myself to the worst possible torture,  _ Jihoon thinks miserably. “I’m back in town for a week,” he explains weakly. “I, uh… I’m free from my stupid ass job in Korea, I’m a travel blogger now and I thought I should pay a visit back home…”

_ God, he asks you a question and you give him your entire life story, you fool.  _

“Oh, wow,” Soonyoung says, sounding impressed. “A travel blogger, huh? How’s that going?”

“Good,” he manages to say. “How are you?”

“Still dancing,” he laughs. “Obviously. So why were you crying in this parking lot of all places?”

He’s waiting for Jihoon to admit it, that asshole. But he was more of an asshole, back then, so he concedes easily and confesses, “I’ve just been to all our old places. I… God, I was such a dick, I’m so sorry, Soonyoung, I miss you so much… I still love you, with all my heart. Can you please forgive me?”

He appears bewildered. “Wow. I was not expecting that,” Soonyoung says awkwardly. “Sure, no hard feelings.”

What does that even mean? Does he still love him or not? Jihoon wants to be back on the pavement, sobbing his fragile heart out.

Before he can speak, Soonyoung adds, “I can’t really say I still love you like before, Jihoon. You really hurt me, and I’ve been learning to move on… We can’t just immediately go back to what we were before, but if you really mean what you said… Do you have dinner plans?”

Jihoon gapes. “No, of course not, I completely understand. I don’t have any dinner plans…”

Soonyoung lets out a tiny sigh of relief. 

 

“Well, then. Care to accompany me to dinner, my universe?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!  
> before i get all cheesy, some fun facts:  
> \- in the first flashback soonyoung didn't actually forget why he wanted to meet with jihoon... he was going to confess but chickened out  
> \- jihoon keeps his promise ring with him at all times and soonyoung wears his from time to time when he's feeling sentimental  
> \- the mural described in the last bit was inspired by [this](https://www.thisiscolossal.com/2016/05/collin-van-der-sluijs-mural/)  
> \- if you check out the playlist linked in the beginning (if it worked lol) you can tell i was listening to going seventeen which is why i added a little fast pace allusion... did you notice?  
> \- and finally i was going to make it end on just soonyoung spotting jihoon but i really wanted them to meet again so i caved skjfnksdj
> 
> thank you so much for reading! please leave your thoughts in the comments or leave kudos if you liked it <3 each one makes my day! love u all mwah


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